eighteenrounds

some progress has been made.

Classes are going mostly well. All the marks that I have received back have been more than up to my standards. I dropped one course however, due to the intense math components, only to find out that the class has since gotten easier and less 'over my head'. I need to take it eventually though, so I guess that's good news.

If I play my cards correctly, and don't fuck around, I should be able to finish my degree by the end of next year.
I'm not actually counting on this, but its a nice slash sort of scary thought. I've been looking into post-degree programs (not grad programs, but college things I might be into), and I've found a few that particularly catch my eye. Though, in reality, everything after my degree is done will be real, including my debt. So that might not be a feasible thing to do right away.

I'm currently sick, but feel fine-ish. It's like the entire (whateveritis), is concentrated in the back of my head and neck. I can function, but its sore as hell. I would like it go away, though I'm doubting it will.

Thanksgiving is this weekend, and as most holidays go: I'm not going home, and I'm not looking forward to it all that much. I will however, go out on Friday night. (sick or not), get 3 lectures watched, get a good chunk of (step 1) of my research project done, play some guitar, hopefully volunteer at the mission with Jocelyn, and enjoy a nice Turkey dinner with my roommates and some friends.
...so maybe I am looking forward to it.

I'm finally seeing Metric in concert on the 19th. I'm skipping class even. (which is kind of big, since I haven't missed a class yet, which is also big for me). Anyhoo, I'm excited. 

Also, I have nothing less to say, 'cept that I talk a lot of shit, and should cut back on said 'shit talkin' '

I totally have a crush on the PhD student TA'ing my human geography class.
She's just so damn attractive and smart.

-fin-

so:
tylenol ... check,
vitamins ... check,
sinus pills... check,
penicillin  ... check,
neo citrin... check,
chicken noodle soup ... check,
2 hour nap - check.
-----------------------------------------------
still feel like crap. *sniff*

also, nose - why you starting to bleed hm?

Come on Mac, make me an eyelad. (ilad, get it?)

...katie can come too :p

It would be 1:17am.
I would be baked.


{insert 20 minutes of thought}

-fin-

It's been a while since my last post. To be honest I've tried a few times and end up stopping half way through because I feel a little ridiculous. For some reason updating about the non significant things in life to random people doesn't seem very full filling. And yet, I still want it to be.
Alas, I know that whatever it is I type here (even if it is significant), might not mean a damn thing to said random people, (you). So I guess it doesn't really matter anyways.

My life has pretty well spun itself down to a pretty predicable schedule. I'm still working, (more about that later), I'm still going to school. I see Katie on the weekends and sporadically throughout the week when she can get the car to come in to Ottawa, and I fit random time in with Ernesto, Trevor and friends when I can. There's been quite a bit of drug use and drinking too. Not such a bad routine for a summer, but not overly exciting either. Which is a little disappointing considering all the things I'd like to be doing.
So, things I'd rather be doing:
camping, biking, hiking, adventuring, learning to drive, seeing old friends, mentoring at IMC, working at a day camp (even as a cook staff), swimming in a lake, having campfires, cutting grass, getting stung by bugs, having a nice tan, seeing grandma (and my brother?), writing better songs.

...I'm sure there is more, but thats what I've got for now.
Not that I'm not content with things, I really am - I just feel like there should be something more to what I'm doing.

I'm night manager at subway now.:)
I kind of just asked for the position and Jack said yes. ...I wasn't honestly expecting him to say yes, but I'm happy he did. Yay raise.

um.. I guess I'm starting to feel like this is getting to be a ramble, so thats all I'm writing right now. I'll think of something better soon.

-fin-

I was sitting on my a few minutes ago, looking at my feet.
I noticed some discoloring on my right big toe, and then proceeded to peeling off all the outer skin on said toe. I admit it was pretty gross, but it was nice to shed some skin.

I've worked 21 hours in the past 2 days. I work 7.5 tonight, but thats it until Tuesday. Katie and I are heading to Montreal tomorrow, which should be a much needed (and fun) escape from this city. The past two days have just made me want to get out out out.
So out I shall be.

I definitely need to plan a trip to the homefront sometime soon though. I'm desperately aching to be out in a canoe, completely surrounded with water. With no form of communication with anyone, or anything. Just quiet. ...with my guitar.

My computer has been transformed from a disfigured beast to a beautiful digital slinger. I must admit, I'm not a fan of windows, but Vista makes everything gorgeous. ..and very mac-esque.

Something bothersome occurred last night, and made me ashamed almost of who (or what) I am. It kind of came out of nowhere, and was very unnecessary. And very, very awkward.

Its official, I'm re-doing first year music. ...minus sight singing. I"ll procrastinate that class until later in the years, unless its a build upon thing that I have to take every year. In which case I might as well just get it on with and stop bitching. I think I might try to save up for a nice electric piano.
I reckon my laundry is probably finished now. Then its off to Bayshore if time will allow it before work.

Happy T-Pride.

-fin-

I spent my entire day in bed with my pets. It was wonderful. I am throughly convinced that Feist is my soul mate. <3

Other than that, today has been very unproductive, but I still plan on getting some things done. For one, I need to shower.. I've kind of been reluctant on that front over the past few weeks and I'm not sure why... Usually I'm such a clean freak and despise the idea of not showering every day, but lately it feels more like a chore.

The other day I randomly went online and told Josh (Barrie Josh, from band camp) to meet me in Toronto. So we both got on buses withing 2 hours of that time, and met up at 6am. We're both pretty poor, so we didn't really have any money to do anything while we were there - so we walked. We walked from 6am till 4:30pm, straight (I hadn't slept at all on the bus ride there, and that was following an 8 hour shift). It was pretty awesome. For some reason I've always had this stigma that Toronto is terrifying. But that trip made me see how awesome it is. ..and now I'm not entirely opposed to the idea of maybe living there at some point in my life. (except for the fact that every time I've ever gone there, I come back a little more ill).
Oh yeah - while walking the streets of Toronto I decided (also on the spot) to get my eyebrow pierced finally. I love it.

6 days and I'm into my new place. :)
I haven't really started packing. (thats also on the todo list for today.. along with lots of laundry, and perhoops some food ingestion.)
...too bad this apartment is absolutely revolting and moving around it proves to be difficult.

It appears the dog needs a walk, and it IS twenty to four.. Guess its time to start my day.

love to all,
-fin-

So as I'm looking through the slide shows / notes that I do happen to have before my exam today, - I've pretty well come to the understanding that I'm going to do very poorly on it. ..I've also kind of accepted that, and am kind of just hoping for the best. I mean.. I got 51% on the midterm, 71% on the paper, so if I can can even pull off a 35 (which should be in reach unless I get thunderstruck) then I'll pull off a pass.
I'll take any pass.

I'm also a little sad though, considering its my first 4:20 in Ottawa, and I had my exam time wrong, so rather than writing the exam and being done by 1, in time to walk to parliment hill, I don't write it until 2. ... I might make it, I might not.
sigh. I'll live.

Life is looking up though. And its about fucking time.
I was able to get a defferal on my womens studies final, which lightens my load greatly as today is my last exam. I love that prof.
In 11 days I will be moving in to the new place. With a new bed. I'll have my kitten, my stuff, a room!!!*!!!!!!* Oh! and to top it off I can pick  up my sumer loan on the first too. (my summer classes start as well)
I can not wait for May to arrive.
...though there is a billion things I need to get, and do in the 11 days leading up to it.

4 and a half hours and my first year is (unofficially) over. nutty.

- fin -

I just got someone to cover my shift tonight so I can go burrow in the library and (hopefully) finally get some shit done.
I have two giant papers to start, due the end of this week, as well as my polisci midterm to study for.

As you might have guessed, school hasn't really been a focus of mine over the past few months, and its catching up to me big time now.
Oh well. One week and then I can kind of start over.

I move into my new place may 1st (so soooon), I start summer courses the same day. That should be fun.

moreover, i'm moody as fuck. stressed beyond belief, and pretty well 93% miserable with life.
I'm confused. Angry. Sad. and way too pessimistic for my own good. .. considering there is some good in there ... and, due to my own lack of motivation, 8 hours short on my next pay check.

nicely done sandie. nicely done.

-fin-

so life:
found an absolutely amazing apartment in lees with trevor. upside = pool and my own room. downside = rent being 574 + water and lights a piece. needless to say I'm going to be working my ass off. Talked it over with my boss today, he insists on paying me 8.50 now (which feels more like a pity raise, but whatever  - I'm not going to deny money right now). And I'll be working anywhere between 49-55 hours a cheque, meaning about $416 + every two weeks. If it stays at the schedual we set up, I will have wednesday off, fridays off, and allllll of sunday off. Which at the moment sounds excellent. I miss my solitude-esque productive sundays.
I hope to fuck I don't screw myself over.

I'm dropping band and selling my horn. That, my tax return, osap, pension and work should make it able to survive. I hope.
I called my brother in Scotland yesterday and caught up with him. He has a girlfriend. Neat. I asked him if it might be able to get some cash from him, and it might actually be possible. That would be nice too. Though if he can't, I completely understand. He said something like "but, you are my sister, and I want to do whatever I can". I don't think he has ever said anything that.. meaningfull to me before. I miss him.

For the time being I'm living off of friends. Hopping houses with my infamous duffel bag. I can't move into the new place until May 1st, and even then thats when my new semester begins - so it could be a little after that. Ernesto offered his place until then. I'm going to check it out but it is almost in Kanata, and he doesn't have the net. The seclusion might be a good thing for me, but it also might really not at the same time. buh. Other idea is Tom's place. His roomate moved out at x-mas, so theres a free bed and room space. We shall see...

Scott is in town. Smiles.

Things in other regions in social regards are kind of messy. People. Places. Everything. It's overwhelming to say the least. Some moments I've got everything under control - some I really, really, don't.
I've been drinking too much and its wearing me down.

I guess thats all there is to tell. - Happy Birthday Amanda. (kraft) miss you loads.
Hope everyone has an excellently drunken st. patty's day.

-fin-

- drugs
- weekend will be spent intoxicated beyond repair
- pets
- birthday cards from the grandparents (both actually related and not so actually related)
- the lion king
- getting the bed tonight

[currently I'm inhabited in my lion king blanket, with my pets, on drugs, watching the lion king]
--

Life hurts right now.

Over the past two weeks I have somehow lost the two people I have trusted, loved, and been in love with over the past two years. Amanda and I decided over reading week that an official title regarding our relationship is pretty much a stupid idea as we will never see each other. Distance prevails yet again.
And though I will admit it's been hurting much more than I've let on - as it really is easy to hide heartbreak when it seems 5 hours beneath the surface, I also admit that it really was for the best, and that irregardless Amanda and I know how we feel about everything, and can carry on with 'us', as however we choose to be 'us'.

Last night Rhea came clean and told me that she doesn't want this anymore.
She doesn't want me, our plans, or 'us' at all. -No, sorry. She wants it all, desperately, but says she can't force herself to feel that for me. She can't make herself let me fill the empty holes. ..
Quote: "You're love for me runs deeper than mine does for you. I'm not me when I'm with you."

ouch.
So after a sleepless night and no steam left to try and convince her otherwise right now, I have to somehow figure out how to cancel out everything I've known for the past two years and make things different.. new I guess. She says she doesn't want me to leave, and in all honesty I don't have any other options right now but to stay. No cash, no friends, no legal status - the feeling of my own insignificance is a little overwhelming. But really.. how do you sleep next to someone you're in love with and have been with for this long and magically change how you feel or what you do and how you act without being torn apart. Knowing that things will never be the same as they were. Especially when the picture of everything that was built up to last forever is etched into your mind due to countless hours of reassurance and enforcement.

I'm a strong girl, but I'm not so sure I have that in me.
I'm terrified.

And its not as though this is the only area of life that is wearing me down either.
I am failing the majority of my classes. The possibility of me not getting re-admitted at all (let alone for the faculty switch) is looking more and more realistic every day, which is tied with the idea of money, meaning if I'm not a full time student, I lose my orphans pension. Money of which is officially entitled to my name as of next month - and now more than ever given the circumstances very much needed. I just can't seem to focus. I don't have the willpower to put effort into anything, and this was happening before any of the recent events began to transpire. I can only imagine how high this price will be.
I have a midterm tonight. A midterm tomorrow. (neither of which I'm ready for.) A paper due next Wednesday in English, a paper due the following Monday on a book that I haven't really started reading. Another novel to be read by the Wednesday after that. A history paper topic to pick, study, and write by the 20th, and ... I'm sure there's more I just can't focus.
All of which I have no ambition or time to do.

Going back to the financial bit. Owing Rhea an immense amount of money isn't a great feeling in the least, and with zero dollars in the bank, is rather stressful. I've been working and making about 250 a paycheck, so over time I'm hoping I can make it to my own feet. It's just getting there that's the difficult part. I don't really have a choice though, it's not like mom can help me out at all.. other than her, who else do I have?

Then again, what else do I have to lose?

--
There is one aspect to life that isn't entirely shit. Prior to the breakups I met a girl through a weirdly coincidental livejournal friend who ended up being in my women's studies class. With the open relationship whatnot we started dating about 3 weeks ago. And though I'm terrified now of the idea, as I am probably in no way fit to be anyone's girlfriend in my state and the last thing I want to do is fuck with someone else's head right now - I should at least recognize the fact that I'm not completely alone.

Homeless, depressed, and academically/financially fucked. But not alone.

-fin-

If that's all you will be
You'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams
None seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that
Nobody cares at all

I want to be where I've never been before
I want to be there and then I'd understand
Know I'm right, and do it right, could I get to be like that?
How to know what I don't know, nothing more to gain

Will I get better or stay the same?
I find I always move too slowly
Can't lift a finger, can't change my mind
I never knew till someone told me that

If that's all you will be
You'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams
None seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that
Nobody cares at all

And all the people who've seen it all before
And all the people who already understand
Know their right and done it right and could I get to be like that?
How they know what I don't know, it's harder everyday

Can't lift a finger, can't hurt a fly
I find I always move too slowly
One thing's for certain, I'm insecure
I never knew till someone told me that

If that's all you will be
You'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams
None seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that
Nobody cares at all
They never cared at all.

I hate not being able to breathe.
Especially when it stop me from sleeping. Especially when I'm deep in dreams, only to be ripped out of them by a violent lash of gasping because my lungs close off.
Especially at 6am.

..more so when I went to bed after 3 as it was..

fuck you lungs.

-fin-

fuck.
fuck fuck fuck.

Work = Tuesday nights and weekends.
Dee and Spenser visit = Wednesday - Sunday. (like.. today Wednesday)
Band Rehearsals = Monday and Thursday evenings.
MAJOR POLISCI Discussion Group = Thursday. (soo not ready.)
History Midterm = Friday.
English Paper + Womens Studies Midterm = next Wednesday.
Poli-Sci Midterm = The Monday after next Wednesday.
(that night) = dress rehearsal for concert.
Tuesday = Philosophy midterm. (meaning I have to book off work. not to mention, I've been going to one lecture a week because I got this job conditional to working Tuesdays... where I start at 5, but the lecture is at 4-5:30, so I don't go.)
Wednesday = Having to miss English class for ANOTHER dress rehearsal for band concert. + That stupid fucking pointless 'holiday' called Valentines Day.
Thursday night = Band concert.

...Friday... get fucking wrecked out of my fucking skull until colors are black and white and things don't make ANY sense. Then go to North Bay.


Oh yeah, somewhere in there is party time with Dee and friends. Personal practicing for the concert (desperately needed). Pride week, including prom. Of which I'm going to bawl my eyes out if I have to work, Somehow laying down a 'plan' of sorts to start up The U of O miss g chapter.
AND dealing with the everlasting personal stress in regards to relationships, my mother... yaddah yaddah yaddah.


*sobs*

nothing beats smoking a joint after working your first training shift at your new job.

especially when it's your new boss smoking you up. ;)

It amazes me how much sundays get me off.

Honestly, things haven't seemed so swell in such a long time. Even though I'm sick, I'm actually optimistic for once, so even that doesn't seem so brutal. Things just seem to be clarifying themselves, even if they are still cloudy. Could this be the dwindling of my quarterlifecrisis? *gasp* I sure as fuck hope so.
Sundays are nice days to laze about and somehow get a lot of things done. With a moderate sleep in, we got grocery shopping, apartment cleaning, some homework, an outing, and an excellent evening accomplished, and now at 3am (my favorite hour) its wrapping up with laundry.
How excellent.
Sundays fucking rock.

and now? to sleep. (ohhh yesssssss)

-fin-

Lately so much has been going on that my desire to document it seems like too much to tackle. I've tried a few times and gave up midway because it was far too daunting. I suppose I just needed some time to actually sit and think about it all before I could recount anything.
I'm aware that we have only reached the second week of the new year, but the stressful past few months have lead up to a very explosive couple of weeks - where so much has been resolved so to speak, not just in my personal life but also people around me.

- with multiple conversations and hours spent working out some very important things together, things between Rhea and I are going excellently. these two weeks have probably been the most important to our relationship thus far, and it feels so good to get it back.

- in probably the most spontaneous decision I have ever made, I took the ultimate leap of faith (for me) and changed my major. As of next year I should (hopefully) no longer focus on music, but womens studies and political science instead. It's all officially in the making now as I have dropped theory and sight singing, replacing them with politics and womens studies - and told the news to my horn prof, some classmates, and *dun dun dun* my mother. Who freaked, and is currently taking part in the silent treatment stage, which at the moment I'm alright with. I don't need her approval. I never have.

Though that might seem like a simple decision, you have no idea how much this really does change things for me. For the past year I have been prepping myself for the re-audition process. Even if I haven't been the most diligent acting musician, I have always had the knowledge in the back of my mind that I will be sitting in a room, playing music or talking about band. This isn't true anymore. Not that I'm regretting my choice, but I definitely know I'm going to go through a 'death of a dream' phase. And knowing me, it could be terribly messy and over dramatic.
Instantly I have officially solidified staying in Ottawa for the next 3-4 years. Something I wasn't sure about at all.

- a very large factor in the big decision was money, and the fact that I simply couldn't afford the lesson, audition, or accompanist fees. On that note, as of next tuesday night I am a member on team subway. go me.

- amanda is one of the people I mentioned who has been affected by the large ships so far. with me not re-auditioning, I have removed some of the odds of us being in the same city next year, (and the remaining 3). with much talking and a few interventions we too are doing rather well, keeping optimistic and emailing like crazy. I suppose thats the most I can really ask for right now, so thats fine with me.

- things in my head are trying to sort themselves out. I've come to many realistic realizations that have no other choice but to change some of my more negative antics. this is good. what isn't so good is that I truly believe some other things may be going on. the brain shivers have returned, and I wish I could say I was kidding when I say I'm hearing voices. and then I think that I'm crazy for even saying that, because I don't know if I believe me... and um.. yes... next point.

- the new roomate sheldon moved in. so far great to have around. his girlfriend laura might join us eventually too, making rent an appealing $175 a month. we also invested in some new tables and a perfectly good shelf that I found out by the dumpster. the apartment looks damn good.

- with my lack of money, I have been fantasizing about actually owning a new ibook. during this time I took the cheap way out and downloaded programs to cover up windows and its program appearance disguising it as a mac. it's clearly not the same at all, but until 3rd year when I might be able to splurge, this will hold me over. a girl can dream.

hm. the clock appears to tell me it's 3 in the morning. though my new timetable doesn't have a class any earlier than 11:30, I should probably try to sleep.

-fin-